seven years ago today...

i made the second worst mistake of my life.

so i didn't get enough done on this fall break, but i sure did get to relax a lot! the nap today was especially awesome, i don't think i've napped since France. stupid methods.

allow me to exaggerate a memory or two

well summer's lasted longer than, longer than we do

when nothing really mattered except for me to be with you

but in time we all forgot and we all grew

your melody sounds as sweet as the first time it was sung,

with a little bit more character for show

and by the time your father's heard of all the wrong you've done,

then I'm puttin' out the lantern, find your own way back home.

if I've forgotten how to sing before I've sung this song

I'll write it all across the wall before my job is done

and I'll even have the courtesy of admitting I was wrong

as the final words before I'm dead and gone

you've never been so divine in accepting your defeat

and I've never been more scared to be alone

if love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep,

then i'm puttin' out the lantern, find your own way back home.

if

laundry

just did my laundry by hand and put it out in the sun to dry. This is the last time i'll be able to that this year! it took a lot longer than expected, about an hour and a half for one load of laundry, but worth it cause it saved me 2$ and saved the world energy and water! :) i don't think i'll be making it a habit, but as we only needed a few things done and i have the time i figured why not.

things to do today:

tarot presentation

tarot practice

FT4

turn clothes, then fold when dry

tarot sign!

figure out how to get a room for tarot poop.

write cam's best man speech

email dress pics to natalie

let's try this with no f-bombs

not looking forward to today at all. another 5 am morning, becauses i spent all day yesterday trying to recover from the massive amounts of projects i did this weekend. I finally feel unsick! so tonight i'm going to try to get back into quidditch mode. Even if i can't play, i need to keep working out, I'm too stressed out not too. cam is just gonna have to accept that I'm not going to be around 24/7. in fact, probably more like 10/7, with 6 of those being to sleep.

so we started counseling, which was my idea, but cam was way more supportive of it than i thought he'd be. our first session went really well, except when he gave us homework... we each had to write 20 things we like about eachother, reasons we're still together. he said they didn't have to be earth shattering, they could be really simple things like, "i like her glasses." well, i didn't want to put anything shallow like that, and i couldn't think of any shallow reasons anyway. like, i like your hair? wtf, even if i do I wouldn't be with someone for their hair. except like, claudio sanchez....

impossible to pick him out of this picture...

but it was hard to think of REAL reasons too. i spent days planning what i was going to say and i still got stuck. we go back to counseling tonight and i don't have anything to add. what's more disturbing is half the things on the list are really the same thing: he just agrees with me on everything. this might sound awesome, but it's more complicated than that. it's not like when we met he was like, "I love adoption!" or "let's save the environment!" or anything. pretty much i give my opinion on something, he goes, well that sounds good. and then it's his opinion too. There's never any discussion. it's not like i want to be dating the debate team or someone who likes NOTHING i like, i just wish he freaking had an opinion about anything before i bring it up. it's like nothing in the world affects him until i tell him it's there. how do i know he actually likes anything i like? how do i know he's really ok with this stuff? i don't want to dictate everything we do! he said in his list he likes that i plan everything, well if he likes plans, why doesn't he make some for us to follow.

i mean, yes i plan for us, but i plan for everything. things that i know will never happen. i plan for the freaking zombie apocalypse. saying, let's buy a house and flip it is like me saying when i was 11 that i'd move to alasaka: i make the best plan for the situation i'm in, those plans can disappear overnight. if he makes no input, has no opinion about what we do, then why should i want to make a life with him.

i kept feeling like my list was going to really upset me, mostly because i thought i'd never think of 20 reasons i'm with him. not because he's a bad person, and not because i don't love him. just... i don't even know. why is anyone with anyone else? i bet most people don't have good reasons. so when you sit down and think about it, there is so much pressure to write, "because he is my one and only and the only person i could ever love!" or, "i have butterflies whenever i think of him!" and that's just not true, so it feels like anything else is insignificant. the whole point of this was too try and remember why we want to make this work, but it only made me more confused. :(

this did not end up being about what i intended. i wonder if it would be helpful to list the reasons i was with my exes... i can think of two that i had no sane reason to be with. so why the fuck did both of them leave ME? ugh...

i really feel like cameron and i need seperate counseling. there's things i'm confused about that i just can't tell him yet. it doesn't matter anyway, it probably wouldn't change anything between us, but whenever he knows i have a secret he hounds me till i'm too exhausted to hide it anymore. -.- i really wish he could just date other girls for a while. would he just chameleon change to what they want, too? he always says he would just die if i left him, but would he feel that way about other girls, too? how can i freaking know? last time he had feelings for someone  else he just dropped me even though he KNEW he couldn't have her either.

obviously i just don't trust him and apparently that's like important or something.

so question for the universe: is there ever a relationship where you just know it's right? relationships are work, i get it, but is there ever going to be a person you know you trust and you know you want to be with no matter what? or will it always be like this?



OMG just remembered i have to be in a wedding in like 3 weeks and i've met the bride twice. also, i'm the maid of honor. WTH.







belgium quaffles

ready to just say fuck it to quidditch. i had ONE good tackle, pretty much everything else was just embarrassing. we played tag and i kept fucking getting it because i'm seriously the slowest person there. so my choices are: run at least twice as much as everyone else to keep up with the team or give up because i'm never making the fucking team anyway.

whatever i decide, i guess i'll have to start wearing contacts to practice, if there is even any point in going since there are like 3-5 people on intramural, which is not enough for one team, much less enough teams to have a league. alexis all but told us to stop coming today.

i'm tired of running and playing my ass off for nothing. i'm really not slacking at all and i'm still nowhere near good enough. and there's still the problem of the people i'm about equal with who just happen to be the captains' friends.

i don't know. i know i'm gettin healthier, i'm just not actually getting any better at the sport, so what's the fucking point.

whatever. i'll decide later.

so much on my mind lately, with bills and looking for work with no luck, feeling like a crap friend cause i'm constantly busy and stressed. then i find out that auditions for shadow cast are based on how funny you are. shadow cast doesn't require talking, so i'm left to assume this means who's goood with physical comedy, so again i thought "i've got this in the bag" only to find out i'm horribly underqualified. classroom mentor really seems to know what she's doing, but she keeps joking about making me take over fulltime, and i kinda feel like she's going to push me to get more involved than i feel comfortable with. and i can't even describe how unprepared my classes are making me feel. so basically, my career and social life are stressing me the fuck out.

and i don't even know what the fuck  is going on with the rest of my life.

i don't know what i want.

i'm the light blinking at the end of the road, blink back to let me know {it was always you}